everything i want is in tallahassee

i wish i could walk around without being anxious at every turn

i wish i could erase every memory

because

when i think about the times you were nice to me

i cry at the fact it didnt last

when i think about when i held your face and the weight of all your problems

and we kissed eachother so intensely

i cry at the fact that someone i thought loved so much would hurt me so bad

i cry at the fact someone i put all my trust in used it against me

i sob at the idea that i may never find a love how it was at the beginning

i puke at the idea that youre behind every corner whispering my name

i cry at the idea that these may be my last happy moments with my friends but my mind is clouded by the memory of you

i wonder if you think of me like how you speak

i wonder if you realize your wrongs

and if youd ever right them

i wonder if you feel guilt and if it would affect you

i wonder what would happen if i left sooner

i wish i left sooner

i wonder if im over it

and if im not will i ever get over it

i question if i love you

but i know i dont want you back

i want the ghost back

the one you tell me never existed

the one you emerged from

i wonder if ill stop throwing up

i wonder if ill love myself again

i wonder if ill ever smell good again

if ill ever look tidy again

im so disheveled

im covered in sweat tears and puke

i hate the constant pressure in the front of my head that doesnt stop until i fall asleep at night

i wish i never met you

i wish people saw behind your fake innocent smile

i hate the fact you could hurt someone else

because sometimes i feel like i wish you were hurting me

you took my firsts with force and made me yours

the way you hit me was the way you cared

the way you touched me was the way you cared

no one ever wanted me so intensely

im so vulnerable it makes me throw up

im so vulnerable it makes me cry

i cry at every movie and album i can relate to

i love when i can relate to people because i don’t feel alone

i want to be surrounded by love but i cant accept it because im always crying

i want to be surrounded but i still wish i could walk alone without being scared

i want to stop fearing you

i want to stop being so scared of you

i wish i could see you how other people see you

the way youre disregarded and walked over

but i cant walk away without thinking of you

when im alone i think of how you were always there

we were alone together

we have other people but i cant get you out of my head

i dont feel like im the same person and it hurts

i wonder if ill ever look in the mirror and see the person i was before you

i wonder if my best moments were when i was with you in the beginning

and i wonder if ill feel that high again

i had another after you but she left me

and i wonder if she would of stayed if i wasnt ****** up from you

i ****** it up with her but i blame you

so why cant i think of her

why can i only remember you

youre in everything i do and in everything i hate

maybe ill forget it when im gone

i want to be in tallahassee

i dont know why i make myself cry